The Gift of Giving Over
This post is part of a series of reflections on re-imagining the role of partnership brokers where we (Sarah Patterson and Rita Dieleman) explore how we can shift the way we connect, relate, and anchor our ways of being away from what we think we should do (a state of mind), toward what our hearts beat for (a state of heart). You can read the first article, In Trade We Trust, In Trust We Trade, here.
The facilitator in me kicked into full volume as the date for our first gathering approached. A few months earlier, I had sent an invitation to all of my network with a simple offer: if you work alone or in a small team, why don’t we connect and work together once a month? Preparing for this kind of gathering was a first for me; ask me to plan a workshop and I’m on it, but a co-working day… that’s a whole different experience.
To manage my own nerves, I had a tight, meticulously planned agenda right down to the minute, including the playlist for each session. I sent the venue way too many emails in the lead-up, and arrived ridiculously early on the day to check that the room was perfect. We had a fantastic day, but it had nothing to do with the playlist, agenda or venue, and everything to do with the humans who showed up.
As the months rolled on, I quickly learned that if I was going to sustain this voluntary offering, I needed to find better ways to manage my nerves than trying to control everything. So I made a conscious decision to shift away from the role of ‘facilitator’ and stepped into the role of ‘host’. As a host, I was there to provide the scaffolding, but it was the guests’ responsibility to use the scaffolding in service of their experience. The shift was subtle, but what followed was magic.
When I let go of the need to master the experience for others, the more people leaned in to creating an experience that worked for them: taking control over the layout of the time, initiating breaks when it suited them (instead of when it was scheduled), and offering spaces for the group to reflect and learn together.
My conscious ‘giving over’ was the portal to a richer experience curated by us all.
When I reflect on my practice as a facilitator now, I realise that this isn’t the first time that letting go of my desire to control a room created a better experience for others. It has also been true in my work supporting lived experience advocates to convene in meaningful ways. There is a deliberate art to stepping back from structure and instead focusing on being of service to a group. It requires us, as facilitators, to hold uncertainty, discomfort, conflicting opinions, and divergent ideas with the group.
If I’m honest, about 80% of the work is in managing my own feelings: fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of not being seen as the ‘expert’; but I’m learning that holding myself still in these moments can be the greatest gift to the group we are serving. Letting go says:
I respect the wisdom in the room
You’re capable of creating belonging together
I acknowledge that many truths can exist at once
I embrace uncertainty rather than fight against it.
I wonder if it’s time to evolve our role as partnership brokers. We’re living in an ‘in-between’ time. One where the better futures we hope for have not yet arrived, and the systems that no longer sustain us continue to be the dominant force. How can we rise to the time through our practices and collective wisdom?
What if brokering relationships was less about bringing order, control and structure and more about finding ways to let new ways of being and doing emerge?
What if instead of trying to help people “norm” and behave certain ways, we role modelled the values we would want to see in a better future? Things like reciprocity, a sense of solidarity and humility.
What other values would you want to see centred?
What kind of humans does this rising to our times call us to be? How might we nurture, nourish and care for ourselves so that we can step up to that calling? What kind of new tools would we need?
When I imagine the type of value this future broker or facilitator might create, I am filled with energy and excitement. I imagine spaces of genuine curiosity fueled by belonging and authenticity, and care as central to what we do.
What do you imagine?