Befriending Patience

This post is part of a series of reflections on re-imagining the role of partnership brokers where we (Sarah Patterson and Rita Dieleman) explore how we can shift the way we connect, relate, and anchor our ways of being away from what we think we should do (a state of mind), toward what our hearts beat for (a state of heart). You can find the other reflections in this series via our introduction article.

Photo by Eilis Garvey on Unsplash

Earlier this month, we held a conversation cafe where we asked people to reflect on the values that we thought would be important for partnerships to model in their work; and the resources (outside of financial) that we could help our partners share. A recurring theme was ‘patience’ - as both a value and a verb. So, in this next instalment of our series on re-imagining the role of partnership brokers, we reflect on the concept of ‘patience’ and our own relationships to it through conversation.   

 What is the role of patience and impatience in your life? 

Sarah: Impatience has been my friend for such a long time. Impatience is the fuel for the work that I do, which is all about seeking a better future. It helps me to get out of bed, when there is a sense of collective grief. It helps me to keep going and not dive in despair.  

What I am learning is that we also need a great deal of patience, because it allows us to connect as humans, it offers new perspectives when we pause and reflect. And it offers a window by which to do the deep work of changing our mindsets.  

I am trying to befriend patience, but I have to say with the current pace of the world, it sometimes feels like going against the grain – like fighting against gravity and trying to put the sand back in the hourglass.  

How might we calm our inner impatience? 

Rita: Impatience is almost, or even really part of my identify. When asked, I actually always describe myself as an impatient person. I realise I’m proud of it because it means I’m results oriented and proactive. It has all kinds of associations with it. And it’s really true that a deep drive from inside for me is that I want to move forward, I anticipate on what can be done better. I have a vision for what something could look like or what might work better and I want to get there as soon as possible. Because I’m convinced that it would be so much better for everyone if we could be there and not here.  

At the same time, I realise that drive can also drive people away. Impatience can be very destructive for relations – not everyone is working at the same pace or has the same vision and there is a lot to lose too. I’m trying to calm myself and become more patient by appreciating what has been. And reflecting on why do people, why do I hold on to something – because there has been value in it and we shouldn’t discard that value by saying there is something so much better elsewhere. We shouldn't discard what was. That makes me more patient with myself and others. I think we should all try to be ok with this sense of loss. You try to go towards something better because it makes you feel better too. But before you leave, you have to consciously feel that sense of loss because it helps you let go.  

Sarah: This reminds me of an impactful moment for me when you were mentoring me – a moment where I felt like I stopped thinking in greyscale and started thinking in colour again for the first time in a long time. Coming from a strategic design practice where I was taught to focus my effort on defining and understanding the problem, I had become entrenched in a deficit mindset – what isn’t working. You observed this in me and reflected it back. You asked me: why do you focus so much on the negative? Have you tried thinking about what is there to be appreciated – the good that you might be able to build upon? 

I realised that appreciation and gratitude were not a part of my professional practice and that I needed to bring them into it. 

Sarah: So, before we move on to our final reflection question, I want to ask: what is the role of gratitude in helping us to calm our impatience? 

Rita: I believe gratitude can help overcome our sense of loss. Because rather than the remaining sense of grievance, it helps us be happy about something that had value at a point in time and in a certain place for us. We can appreciate that ambivalent feeling: a sense of grief that something is not there anymore or not working anymore but it’s being compensated by the sense that at the time it was great or helpful or really valuable.  

How do we continue to move forward not knowing where we are going? 

Sarah: That is the question I am dwelling on currently. It is about recognising that there is a role for all these heavy and difficult emotions. They are potentially useful emotions: anger, frustration, loss and grief: we have to let ourselves feel them. Their use however expires, they have an expiry date, and after that they can become our enemy. If we avoid that, they can help us move forward. I know that I need to be in motion to deal with my emotions. That can become quite physical: I just find I need to move, I need to walk and run, and my body allows my feelings to be felt in a way that is almost like a superpower rather than something that pushes me down. 

I know that I don’t want to stay where I am. I know that moving forward means harnessing those emotions to take action. It requires a deep trust of self to do that. The beautiful thing when we trust ourselves - really truthfully – is that anxiety and fear cannot exist. So, for me, trust is an antidote to fear.  

Rita: I think it’s beautiful that you say I know that I don’t want to stay where I am because I believe that kind of certainty is a great anchor, or better still, a guiding star. You have that certainty you’re in a place you don’t want to remain in, the certainty that you have to move. You just don’t know in what direction. 

Being patient and reflecting, helps me connect the dots because I do know where my values are and where I want to be. If I know what I believe in and where I want to be, the question is how do I get there and what would be helpful vehicles to get there. It’s actually exciting. I love travelling, I love being on a journey and I don’t like being stuck somewhere. So it’s really good for my patience to know that this is not where I want to be.  

I love that you say trust is an antidote to fear. It's also a bit painful because I think in my case trust has also led to betrayal, and that in turn has led to fear. So trust is a very, very conscious action for me. I can imagine why people would say: “Rather than taking the risk and going on a journey although I don’t want to stay where I am, I will stay here because I don’t know what the alternative is.” 

That makes me think we are travelling companions. So how do we help each other seal in that ‘antidote to fear’? Is there something we can do to overcome that fear in others and in ourselves? I think the only thing we can do there is being an example of trustworthiness ourselves. 

Now, over to you readers: how often do you reflect on your own relationship to the values you would like to see centred in partnership brokering?